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"This Just In..."

I always dedicate the December edition of this publication to Christmas traditions and stories which my family and I have come to know and love. This year just might be different: Saint Nick’s annual visit could be preempted by a one-of-a-kind celebration – a party celebrating the End of the World!

The good thing about this new holiday celebration is that it can be observed by all cultures. The End of the World party is supposed to be a global event, a one-of-a-kind celebration. Start planning now to have the very best End of the World party possible!

Tip #1: Plan Your Time

While the date is set for December 21, 2012, the jury is still out on exactly what time of day the World is supposed to end - so you had better start early. Perhaps plan multiple events throughout the day to cover all your bases.

Tip #2: Plan Your Supplies

If you thought trying to get that honey-baked ham at Thanksgiving was a chore, imagine trying to find canned food items, salt, and batteries during a nuclear winter! Stock up on all these necessities in advance, on the off-chance you survive the initial destruction.

Water, non-perishable goods and flashlights will do much to make your party a success. Stay away from desserts that have eggs in them or anything else that can go bad. On the slim chance that you miraculously survive, you may need to supply an after-party!

Tip #3: Plan Your Music

Music choices set the tone for most celebrations and should be chosen with particular consideration of who is attending. For our party, I plan to lead with Jimmy Buffet’s “Party at The End of the World”, followed up by his “Volcano” song. We might even go old school with R.E.M.'s "It's the End of the World As We Know It" or Billy Joel's "We Didn't Start the Fire."

Avoid playing country music, though, or anything else with depressing or downer lyrics. You certainly won't make it through Earth's Total Destruction with a negative attitude!

Tip #4: Plan Your Location

For events of this magnitude, you need the best possible location. Given all the potential disaster scenarios, a focus on safety is probably advisable.

High ground is nearly always a good idea. Not only will it give you a better view of meteors falling from the sky but you’ll last longer in the face of rising floodwaters. Be mindful of falling rocks and fault lines though; you’d hate to miss all the action having been knocked out by a rock or falling into a hole.

Tip #5: Invite Closest Friends and Family

Guest lists are always key. This is especially important if the biggest event in 26,000 years actually comes to pass.

Since parents and close friends owe us multiple apologies for the innumerable slights and harms we’ve suffered at their hands over the years, you’ll want to be sure to invite all the people closest to you. Tell them to come early so there is plenty of time for sufficient begging, bowing, and scraping.

Oh yes: be sure to have plenty of boxes of Kleenex on your supplies list; your guests will all be so relieved by your magnanimous forgivenesses that tears and snivelly noses are a certainty. It’s simply bad manners to leave guests to their sleeves alone.

Tip #6: Protect Your Party

Thanks to all your good planning, you and your guests will be poised and ready, but you must prepare for the possibility that other revelers may not be nearly so composed. Some people have been known to panic at the first small signs of catastrophic annihilation.

To keep such unsophisticates from crashing your party, be sure to mount automatic weapons in turrets at each of the four corners of your party site. Adding a sidearm to each party favor bag will be appreciated and preloaded ammunition clips can make for a lovely centerpiece.

Final Tip: Have Fun!

If these are to be your last few hours on earth, make them count. Make going out in style a priority. Oh, one other bit of advice: even though it’s an “End of the World” party, try not to do anything you might regret. Can you imagine what might show up on Facebook if the sun actually rises on December 22nd?!

My Wife Beeb, our kids Kealan, Caitlin, Aran, and Liam and I all hope you and yours have a wonderful Christmas, a Happy Hanukah and a safe and happy New Year. See you in 2013? I hope so. Frank C. Kilcoyne CSSC.